It's crazy to think that a year ago today things were so different. Our agency hadn't told us that we had received our LOI yet. Our agency hadn't told us that they were shutting down the program in Kaz yet. We were clueless. We had no idea. We had been waiting for almost 3 years and were tired. Sometimes I used to think that we would never get to go to Kazakhstan. Sometimes I thought I was never meant to be a mother. For one reason or another it just wouldn't work out. I was an emotional mess. Whenever I heard that someone had a successful adoption, I broke. I envied them. I loathed them. Why them? Why not me? I used to cry and cry. I felt that no one understood how I felt. Dustin and I are great people. We're young. We're fun. Why can't it be our turn? Why can't this come easily? Such a low point of our lives. Waiting kills. At this time last year, it was so hard for me to talk about. I felt like no one had any idea what I was going through and if I even started to talk about it, I turned into a sobbing crazy lady.
When my agency informed us that they were closing down the program in Kaz, I was a mess. I was devastated. I was furious. I was heartbroke. I hated everything. It's hard for me to even think about now and re-live. My wounds still haven't healed. I'm still angry. How could that happen to us? We work hard, we pay our bills, we pay our taxes, we love openly, we're good citizens; how could something like this happen to us? My heart broke. I KNEW our child was in Kazakhstan. I just knew it. I'd known it for years - or so I thought. Was my judgement that off? Did I mis-read my gut feeling? Maybe I did. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mother. I was so sure that I'd known. This change in the game perplexed me. Poor, poor Dustin. Not only was he devastated too, but he had to be a rock for me when I was at my worst.
Good think we stuck to that gut feeling and went to Kaz anyway. Our trip was long, hard and an emotional roller coaster. But it was worth every moment. (I'm sure you've seen the pics of my adorable son! So proud!) I now get to be one of those moms that other prospective adoptive parents envy. I now have a whole community of people that do know 100% how I am feeling. That is an amazing thing. Amazing. I still cry from time to time - but not out of emptiness. We've been home 7 months and I am still adjusting to our new life. It is weird to just go with the flow and not be utterly and totally 100% consumed by waiting. Obsessing about Kazakhstan, our child to be, traveling, etc. It's weird. The hardest part of the adoption process is not the paperwork or the expense...it's the waiting.
Amen, sista!!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh Cortney. The waiting was soooo hard. i remember it so well too. I also still cry sometimes when I really stop and think about all we went through and where we are now.
ReplyDeleteOf course, now you know why all that had to happen. Every delay, every heartache was necessary because at the end of all of that you were matched with the little boy who is now your son. Were it not for all of those things happening precisely the way they did, you would not be the mother to the child you adopted. Your "broken road" led you to your son.
ReplyDeleteLast week was a bad week for me. The waiting was/is getting to me. I about wanted to throw in the towel, climb in a hole and just cry for weeks over this waiting... Somehow this weekend I got the sleep I had been missing out on and this week, I am feeling better... but waiting still SUCKS!
ReplyDeleteBUT, when I see that the end result.. when I see my friends like you who finally have their child in their arms and home, I know it will be worth it. I wish you were closer so we could go for dinner .. but then again, I may just complain the whole dinner about this darn wait so I wouldn't be much fun! LOL!!!